THE DAILY PUNCTILIO
"All the News in Fits of Print"
Lemony Snicket, Author and Fugitive
Lemony Snicket, author of A Series of Unfortunate Events, the purportedly true chronicles of the Baudelaire children, was reported dead today by anonymous and possibly unreliable sources. His age was given as "tall, with brown eyes." He leaves-no known survivors.
Born on a cattle farm, rather than in a hospital, Snicket had a promising scholarly career, beginning with a job as a theatrical critic—in all senses of the word—for this very newspaper, followed by the publication of several promising anthropomorphic treatises, a word which here means "very long reports." This period of professional contentment—and, allegedly, unrequited love—ended when news broke of his involvement with V.F.D. and the accompanying scandal was reported in these very pages. Mr. Snicket became a fugitive from justice and was rarely seen in public, and then usually from the back. Several manhunts—and, due to a typographical error, woman-hunts—proved fruitless. At last the Baudelaires1 story, and his, appear to be over. As no one seems to know when, where, how1 and why he died, there will be no funeral services. A burial may be later this year.
This obituary is filled with errors - most importantly -
I AM NOT DEAD! L.S.